i settled on this one.
writing about my "self" is one of the most agonizing things for me to do, because i don't know who or what i am.
there's nothing to say about me, i just sit around and do nothing when i don't have an immediate task to do or a job to be at.
do i have a "self?"
what is a "self?"
how can you know what your "self" is without grasping the idea of it?
i try not to think about it... but i'm writing this, so...
what do i think my "self" is?
i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
i turn my eyes away quickly, who is that?
i'm impulsive, i look back and stare at the thing in the mirror.
that's me, and i'm okay with that being me, but why?
my appearance is not my "self."
i don't care enough to fix it.
i like to spend time with my friends.
we make jokes, as friends do.
we say dumb shit, as friends do.
i feel like i'm moving on autopilot.
are they friends with me, or the idea of me?
the thing people in my life know as "█████" is not my "self."
it's not their fault.
i'm playing my favorite game.
i'm listening to my favorite album.
i'm writing.
i'm cooking.
i'm eating.
i'm washing the dishes.
i'm doing my laundry.
do i feel like i'm the one doing these things?
yes, but...
it's more complicated, i can't put it into words.
the activities i partake in do not reflect my "self."
i feel like i enjoy it, but do i?
i talk to my boyfriend.
who does he think my "self" is?
what do others think my "self" is?
i'm too hard on myself, i know this.
i think to myself every negative trait i could exaggerate.
i know it doesn't reflect what others think, but i believe it anyway.
i sit in silence in my room, with my door closed, typing.
what do the others think i'm doing?
i don't tell them, i don't entirely trust them.
my body wakes me up, it's my day off.
i go back to sleep, i want to finish the dream i was having.
i wake up at 2 pm.
the day passes by, i don't do anything.
it's 3:46 am, i have work tomorrow.
i lie in bed with my eyes closed, i don't fall asleep.
i lie in bed with my eyes closed, i think about things.
i lie in bed with my eyes closed, ideas float around.
i lie in bed with my eyes closed, a song stuck in my head plays.
i lie in bed with my eyes closed, i turn to my side.
i lie in bed with my eyes closed,
there's a lot of things i feel weird relating to.
characters like kris, higher management, quote... it's embarassing to admit, but the list goes on.
in deltarune, there's an alternate path you can take.
we don't know if it leads to the same ending, i think it will, but it's a really messed up way of going about things.
it's hinted at in chapter 3, when it was first datamined in 2021 people called it the "snowgrave route" before it being (semi-)officially dubbed the "weird route."
you need to make kris take noelle back through the city and have her use iceshock on darkners, making her stronger in the process.
eventually the music changes... i think this is what got to me.
eventually noelle's strength outgrows her equipment, you need to make her get a better ring.
eventually you need noelle to solve a puzzle, you tell her to proceed.
you can pinpoint when she starts to dissociate from everything, still under the guise that the dark world is a dream.
she gets equipped with the thornring, she gets stronger... it's a horrible thing that you and i do to both her and kris.
berdly is frozen, she leaves.
in chapter 4, noelle pulls kris to the side at what is meant to be an investigation between kris and susie.
i equip her with the thornring.
in chapter 5, noelle waits for kris at the lake.
i tell her to proceed.
...anyways, there's a strange connection i personally feel with kris' existence throughout the events of deltarune as well as noelle's entire thing during the weird route.
higher management's character is a tricky one to pin down, it's full of nuances and little details you have to scrounge for in your playthrough of rubato.
his motives are laid out in one of the first few times you encounter him, there is a background with red text featuring his side of a conversation with a superior of his.
while it sets the stage for higher management's driving force the first time we see it, by time we actually encounter him properly we have a few hints that things run a bit deeper, especially between the characters of maia and tony.
there's an entire scene of rubato i will not spoil, it's a pretty big chunk of the game.
the whole juxtaposition of higher management and the other character, as well as the interactions the two have and the memories they recount, really got to me.
after this, you can backtrack before proceeding.
in one of the areas, there is a door hidden behind an unfitting yet inconspicuous plant.
the plant monologues.
the plant is a broken off chunk from one of higher management's most important parts of himself, higher management acknowledges that it's missing and hopes it's in a better place.
i'm getting off track...
i've been writing this for the past two hours, so i think that's my sign to stop.
i don't know what i was expecting, it's not like i can get an answer to something like this from writing a blog post.
the worst part is that i won't feel like this when i wake up.
i hate writing about something that is buried so deep in my mind that by time i start to see it poke out of the surface i forget what i was digging for in the first place.
thanks for reading.
