it was a sprawling, nightmarish labyrinth that i would enjoy getting totally lost in-okay who am i kidding it's some backrooms vrchat map i used to play on very frequently like two-ish years ago.
that map was honestly pretty formative for me, and not in the sense of "i am a liminel space veteran i remembor playing purble place when i was like 5" sort of way... although i did do that, can you tell i was born in the mid-00s?
it's more formative in the sense of like "this sort of thing is a weird abstraction of a facet of myself as a person," which i guess ties into the whole "liminal spaces and whatnot bring me an overwhelming sense of comfort" thing?
...i honestly don't know what that's about, but we ball i guess.
anyways identity, just like connection, has always been a very tricky thing for me.
any labels i try to put on myself never really seem to fit for the most part, at least until i figured out that i was
...
thinking back on it now, it really does make perfect sense.
maybe the main reason why i never truly felt like i understood who i was is because my identity is constantly shifting, to a degree.
maybe the main reason why i had always felt there was something not broken but simply different was because i was actually some flavor of
!
...again, thinking back on it now, it makes total sense... after all, completely coincidentally, all the people i have the most trust in happen to be some flavor of trans as well.
my personal experience with being genderfluid is a real mixed bag.
some days i'll feel one way, other days i'll feel another, but most of the time the way i'm feeling about myself changes several times a day.
for example, i might head out to work one day feeling vaguely something else-ish, and when i come home i'll feel rather girl-ish... or sometimes i'll feel a little bit of both girl-ish and boy-ish!
i've gotta admit though, the way i found this out about myself is really embarassing... it sort of came to me as a byproduct of my own writing project.
i feel doubly embarassed to admit that the new name i have chosen for myself is shared with one of the most important characters in said project!
(it feels so weird to say that, it makes me sound like i'm so full of myself...)
being under the trans umbrella honestly hasn't impacted my life as much as i feared it would when i first began seriously questioning.
i know it's different for everyone, but to me it's sort of like an "oh yeah, for once in my life i can confidently say that this is who i am for once" and it feels really good.
speaking of which, the first time the thought had occured to me while i was at work doing dishes... talk about a random revelation.
i sort of vaguely alluded to it in a private message to some of the people i trust, and i'm honestly unsure about whether or not they picked up the whole happenings on that initial message or not.
and this is where the intro ties back into the meat and potatoes of the blog... i feel like the whole liminal space thing sort of ties into dissociation a bit and blurs the line of "me" as an idea and "me" as a person.
...at least that's what i think it is, this is really the first time i'm putting it into words ever.
even still, those areas hold a special place in my heart and in the vast empty expanse of my mind.
so, for the first time, i think i can confidently say that i took a pretty big leap toward understanding myself... that journey is much much longer than finding out i'm genderfluid or whatever, though.
for the first time, i feel like i can be "proud" of the person i am rather than just existing through background noise and watching my life play out through the other side of a now-unlocked window.
i'm an unidentifiable critter, and i love men... like my wonderful boyfriend.
thanks for reading.
