...but for me, at least, keeping them is not.
okay admittedly that's a really ominous way to start this.
i feel like that's making me sound like some weird edgy person, "ohh i have zero friends because everyone sucks and i hate them" or whatever, but i assure you it's not.
you may have seen the blank space where there would be a contact section on about.html.
while going through my html files, i was thinking of removing it but decided against it because i feel someone would want an explanation for its absence.
really, the blank space acts as a way to deter people i previously knew from trying to get in contact with me.
...don't get it twisted, though!
it's not like i can't stand people or some stupid reason like that, i just do not want people to get close.
it's sort of like an unending cycle where i accidentally become friends with someone and out of fear and impulse i sort of... cut them off after a bit.
i know it's self-destructive and probably sucks really bad for the person i cut off, but it's just something i feel like i need to do because of some irrational fear of letting myself be vulnerable or whatever.
i regret it at times, but i just hope that the people who i did this too aren't too mad at me.
this is also the reason why i'm not on any social media platforms aside from discord, but you can chalk that one up to necessity for keeping in contact with some of my friends who will completely refuse to use anything else out of an avoidance for change or some other reason... trust me, i've tried.
thinking about it now, the cycle probably started because of the constant leader roles i was placed into throughout life as well as the sort of idea i have that i'm going to disappear off the face of the internet eventually.
...but obviously that second part isn't true, unfortunately.
as i'm faced with this deep wanting, i am currently writing this entry now and have written my own project i want others to read so badly... "what a hypocrite," you're probably thinking!
i thought staying off social media would satiate my wanting to disappear, but even still i aggressively prune my friends lists on both discord and steam occasionally.
it's a really tricky sitatuation, where i both want to leave my mark on the world and also leave it.
...anyways!
connection is convoluted and difficult for me.
to reword the intro: meeting new people is fun, but making friends with them is entirely accidental.
so, to the friends i've kept around after all this time, know that you truly are special to me.
and to the ones i haven't, i hope you're hanging out with some cooler person right now.
i've been thinking of ending these with a gif from my collection, in-joke or otherwise.
here's one, just as a sample... i won't do this retroactively.
